July 15, 2003
Have I found a theme song for this website?
The Nut Lady sings "March of the Nuts."
http://www.phlatt.com/home/roadsideamerica/audio/CTOLDMarch11.aif
You'll never think of Love Boat in the same way again
"Wench? Is there someone in the background there yelling 'poo'?"
"Yeah Bob, my husband. You know. The Ph.D."
Everything goes better with...
Warning: Most of the archives just have little song snippets, and a lot of them were nothing but static to me. That could just be my connection, though.
More dolls
These are very creative costumes. These are beautiful too. Aww, cute! Oh wow.
These are cute too.
I haven't gotten to check this or this in detail yet, but it all looks fun.
My old design teacher woulda loved this.
Couple plans a wedding at the dump. Oh, excuse me, "transfer station."
July 14, 2003
Graduation advice from...
Will Ferrell at Harvard is now transcripted online:
"You're about to enter into a world filled with hypocrisy and doublespeak, a world in which your limo to the airport is often a half-hour late. In addition to not even being a limo at all; often times it's a Lincoln Towncar. You're about to enter a world where you ask your new assistant, Jamie, to bring you a tall, non-fat latte. And he comes back with a short soy cappuccino. Guess what, Jamie? You're fired. Not too hard to get right, my friend.
I'm sorry, graduates. But this is a world where you aren't allowed to use your cell phone in airplanes, during live theater, at the movies, at funerals, or even during your own elective surgery.
As I stare out into this vast sea of shining faces, I see the best and brightest. Some of you will be captains of industry and business. Others of you will go on to great careers in medicine, law and public service. Four of you -- and I'm not at liberty to say which four -- will go on to magnificent careers in the porno industry. I'm not trying to be funny. That's just a statistical fact."
Perhaps he took things a bit too far.
"We have learned that the obituary for Erik Humphrey Gordon '95, which appeared in the July-August '01 issue, was based on false information provided by the subject himself in an effort to get off Harvard's mailing list. Mr. Gordon is alive and well in New York City. We apologize for the error. See this for Mr. Gordon's side of the the story."
Because you're already bored with your traditional Google games.
This site will do a search for you and throw in some randomness from another category. Or something. I don't exactly know, really.
Screw giving it to charity...
this is what you should do with your mobile phone.
Sounds like a Monty Python skit, somehow.
The joys of stupidity.
Oh man. I wish I could join this:
"In 1976, a journalist named Stephen Pile founded the Not Terribly Good Club of Great Britain. The admission requirement: incompetence.
Meetings consisted of individual demonstrations driving home the point: displays of ineptitude at small talk and batik. At the club's kickoff event - a meal at a hand-picked, third-rate restaurant - Pile made the mistake of catching a soup tureen midfall. For this blatant display of adroitness, he was demoted instantly.
Pile went on to write The Incomplete Book of Failures about the club and the trait it sought to honor. A catalog of notable imbecility, including "the worst tourist" (a man who spent two days in New York believing he was in Rome), and the "slowest solution of a crossword" (34 years), the book also featured a membership application form for the Not Terribly Good Club.
The club's numbers swelled. After the book appeared in 1979, complete with a two-page erratum slip, the organization received 20,000 applications in two months. An incontestable success, the club was in violation of its commitment to failure and, under the terms of its own bylaws, had to disband."
Hunting for Bambi's...no, not the ones with antlers, either.
This is disturbing. Okay, so it's par for the course for Vegas, but still, a big squickin' ugh. "I got the one with the biggest rack.," UGH. I think I'd rather pass on the $1,000 and the sunburn on the ass.
Quick, where's my origami paper stash?
Origami penises. Including models with condoms and wings!
How many funny ways can you sing "Hallelujah?"
This guy seems to want to find out how the cartoons would do it. Just kinda bizarre. "Cowabungalujah?" Now really!
http://aprilwinchell.com/multimedia/media/mp3/ChrisRiceCartoonSong.mp3
You can never claim that your willy is too big to use a condom again.
The Empress's new dress
Just think, you could spend a shitload of money on this and yet go naked.
July 12, 2003
July 11, 2003
Testing, testing
In Canada you have to answer some skill question before being able to enter a contest. Huh.
Oooooh, they're SOOOOO CUUUUUUUTE!
Mommy, I want a horse like this!
I also want a cabbit, but they seem rare to find...
3WA animal fans, take note:
There is a Kittenfilter. For cat and other animal news.
Ride this!
Posters for Disney's next movies. And plot synopses for others.
"Space Mountain; Release date: Summer 2004
Amateur astronomer Bill "Cutty" Cuthbert (Billy Bob Thornton) has made a terrifying discovery: the Earth isn't inside a vast, empty vacuum at all, as previously believed. Instead, all of space, including the Earth, is contained within an enormous, hollow mountain. What's worse, this unimaginably large mountain is on the verge of a geological incident of cataclysmic proportions -- an avalanche that will happen inside the mountain, or, as Cutty explains it, a massive, space "invalanche." And in an invalanche, the "boulders" will be planets -- tumbling straight for Earth! Enter champion Aussie rock climber Piton Grabbers (Hugh Jackson), who reluctantly agrees to head up a crew of the world's most extreme rock climbers (Stephen Baldwin, Jennifer Garner, Orlando Jones), along with an uptight NASA hotshot pilot (Michael Vartan), inside an enormous, drill-shaped shuttle that will blast through the tumbling rocks -- or so Cutty's theory goes! And even if this ragtag crew can get the mission ready in time, they'll still need to win the approval of skeptical U.S. President Amanda Cain (Kelly Lynch) -- who may well have an agenda all her own."
Screw the plastic crap!
Passed on by Elphaba: You can get little Sega games in your Happy Meal now. (I've been warned this site is loud) Oy vey. Man, didn't we miss out when we were kids.
July 10, 2003
Whistle's got WOOOOO, Part II
The Bubb Rubb Soundboard. Make your own mix! WOOOOOOOO!!!!
"Use the force, Luke, bring me a Guinness"
Yoda goes to Ireland. Man, I'd like to see some pictures of the Irish folks seeing Yoda and co. walking around.
Well, that's creative yet scary.
He takes three of Yahoo's most e-mailed photos and makes a comic strip out of them. Odd stuff.
And to think you used to worry about...
raunchy wedding toasts. Now you gotta worry about raunchy eulogies to boot. Or the always fun stuff like this:
"Mr. Vandenbergh recalls a funeral in which eulogist after eulogist said glowing things about the man who died, leading an exasperated audience member to stand up and say, "Let's stop joking. He was a no-good S.O.B.!" The room went silent, and the priest quickly concluded the Requiem Mass."
"Well, why don't you just get married naked?" "FINE!"
And people wonder why I never wanted to get into high fashion. I'm just too practical.
July 09, 2003
Checkmate THIS!
A billion weird-ass chess sets. I've just been clicking and clicking, there is some weird, funny shit here.
There's an artist in residence program...
at the dump. This actually doesn't surprise me so much ever since one of my design teachers made us go to the dump for a field trip.
How to see the country for cheap without joining the military.
Your lessons:
1. Get a job at an airline.
2. Get a computer, sign up at some dating services, make some contacts.
3. "Romantically" fly in for the day or weekend, shack up at their house, see the sights.
"But Barry is usually not looking to see if that blonde from Eureka only smokes occasionally, or if that brunette from Cedar Falls says the celebrity she most resembles is Demi Moore. The first thing Barry looks at, even before the photos, are the cities where the women live. If Mardi Gras is coming up, he'll scan down the page for the words "New Orleans." If it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas and he's missing the snow, Control-F "Telluride."
Naturally, it's in Montana.
The Testicle Festival. "Welcome Hustler Magazine", 'nuff said.
Beans, beans, the musical bulletin board
Remember Al's bullitin board saga? This thread features an update:
"I am decorating it, because I actually - believe it - got a SPEECH on it this morning from one of the SECRETARIES about how the executive director was sort of upset it had not been decorated.
So, people, I have been decorating it all day. Non stop. Screw all my deadlines, I have the bulletin board to work on!
I have exploited the baked beans theme to the maximum, and there is not an inch left on the board that is not covered at least partially in glitter.
What really irks me is that no one GETS it. They just think I am really thorough with my baked beans love!
The exec. director congratulated me this afternoon on a job well done, re: the bulletin board.
I hate these people.
There are bean recipes. And glitter. And a list of famous birthdays in July that inlcludes Don Knotts, Pee Wee Reese and O.J. Simpson.
No one has even raised an eyebrow?"
Yes, there's a picture of part of it.
That's just DIRTY!
"LPG declared, "Assfucking for everyone!" Sean's response was to, for the first time, squeal and clap his hands. I know what I'm getting him for his 18th birthday."
It gets even worse!
"And then the priest began incanting about banishing satan, and the baby began to shriek in a manner so, well, unholy that if I didn't know better I'd said Matilda was giving him such a pinch. On second thought, maybe she was, to get him to screech at just that moment so LPG, Dog Faced, King, R&E, the Lad and I would all have to refrain from laughing hysterically as the child obviously objected to having Satan removed from him (Moooom! I was USING that Dark Lord!). He was shrieking so loudly I could not hear the priest by the end, and so for all I know, Satan was removed from the majority of the baby but has maintained a hold on his booty of mass destruction."
This is...strange.
Tampons to have sex in. No, really. The euphemistic language translation is amusing. The Perky! Women! in the pictures are also rather funny.
"Not only the pain the menstruation causes for many women - as if that would not be enough - but also these frequently situations that give rise to an inner conflict. Activities we really like to do are waiting exactly at that time. But it is clear for many of us that on account of this "exceptional case" we cannot properly enjoy them and therefore often even immediately prefer to leave them. In short, there are many situations where the period is a nuisance - amongst them: the go for a sauna, swimming, sunbathing or a naturist holiday. At that time some women even refrain from the intercourse. Maybe just because of the blood in bed after the sexual act, that is really frustrating. Exactly that trouble can find an end right now.
The Original Soft-Tampons had been developed particularly for an hygienic intercourse during the menstruation. They do not only guarantee a pleasant sexual act during the period, they are especially suitable for the active and sportive women - if not even obligatory."
This will surprise no one.
You are a Clueless Idiot. Not only do you not know
you're an idiot, you don't know much of
anything. Your celebrity icon is Alicia
Silverstone.
What Kind Of Idiot Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Finally! That zodiac thing!
This is a meme for which there didn't seem to be a link. I'd be reading some journals and someone would post one of these with no link and say they got it from other people, and the other people didn't have a link for it either... Finally, one journal has posted it, and it is here.
"Jennifer is deeply sensual. Her senses of touch, smell and sight are highly refined. And as for her taste? It's impeccable. Jennifer is extremely discriminating - when she sees the best, she won't ever settle for anything less. She would rather 'go without' than go for a poor substitute." (Uh, not necessarily... when one does not have much money, one HAS to settle sometimes) "But then that's Jennifer all over. It really isn't fair to call her 'stubborn as a mule.' Mules are adaptable, easy going creatures who are always eager to please - or at least, they are by comparison to Jennifer." (Gee, thanks. Guess I"m a raging bitch 24-7) "Unfortunately, for a person with such expensive preferences Jennifer is not a millionaire ...or at least, not yet. You never know, it may just happen because Jennifers' relationship with money is very interesting. She treats it with a curious mixture of disdain and respect. She never lets it stand in her way, yet she will go out of her way to get it when she needs to." (Okay, that's not bad.) "Jennifer is a smart cookie and a shrewd operator. It is not though, merely in the field of finance that Jennifer displays intuitive wisdom.
Jennifer has an affinity with nature. She can make almost any plant flower and bear fruit." (Nope. I'm amazed any plants survive in my presence at this point.) "This is just as well because Jennifer has a hearty appetite. She likes her food as indeed she likes all her creature comforts. Fond though she is of all the above - and of all life's little luxuries - there is one more source of endless fascination that Jennifer cannot resist. Jennifer doesn't so much have a hearty appetite for sensual pleasure as a ravenous hunger for it! Which is funny really because you wouldn't necessarily think it to look at her. Jennifer likes to play it cool. Jennifer likes to pretend that nothing bothers her, fazes her or excites her. Like all Taureans though, Jennifer is a powerhouse of passion, as those who are lucky enough to know her - or to love her - will breathlessly testify." (Okay, true enough there.)
Our puritan country is getting a little less puritan
America now likes its porn stars.
July 08, 2003
Oh man, this is funny.
Al is not thrilled to be stuck decorating the company bulletin board like a third grade teacher. She has ideas for it though...
"Al: Well, I was thinking...July is, among other things, National Baked Beans Month, and...
At this point, all pretense of compassion was abandoned by the MOC.
MOC: (banging on the table) National BAKED BEANS MONTH! HAAAAAA! (wiping his eyes and mumbling something about "PC Load Letter") I can see it now -- "Baked Beans: Are They Good for The Company?"
Al: Oh, just never mind.
MOC: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Now, what else were you going to say?
Al: (sigh) Just that it's also National Hitchhiking Month.
MOC: Warning people about the dangers of hitchhiking? Hmm, that's sort of 70s, but still a good public service.
Al: No, National Hitchhiking Month apparently promotes the activity of hitchhiking.
MOC: (quietly) Well, hitchhikers do eat a lot of baked beans... I'm beginning to understand your overall scheme. What I love is that you know they have no expectation of you doing anything other than sticking an American Flag up on that board along with a list of July office birthdays, and yet you're giving them this.
Al: They deserve it."
MOC: Looks like somebody's got a case of the Mondays.
So, why are soap operas
obsessed with the incest? Flowers in the Attic fixation?
I don't know how I got this.
I am a sniper/professional killer.
Which cat that thinks it's human are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Check the "see all possible results" link after you're done, the pictures are HYSTERICAL. Or just check this thread.
Funny, but also scary
"After the third day, eat nothing but plants. Carnations are particularly tasty. Don’t eat anything that originated from an animal.
By the fourth day, you can eat all the celery and carrot sticks you like, along with cucumber, tomatoes, green pepper, lettuce and white vinegar. The more shriveled up and tasteless, the better. Leave them out all night before you eat them. Avoid fruit and vitamin supplements, they will just make you hungry.
Eat the fake, plastic groceries from your child’s supermarket set. These have no calories and give you a nice, full feeling.
Write down everything you eat and drink and create short story plots."
You have to see this to believe it
The Orgasmic Washing Machine. Load 'er up (fast speed, hot water, and mobile seems to get the best results) and take 'er away! (Note: if you're at work, don't turn the sound on.) But why the "mobile," you ask? For no discernable reason, the OWM is an ad for...a mobile phone. I guess they think that the first thing a girl would do after getting an orgasm from her washing machine would be to call all her friends to discuss it?
If this is the kind of thing you like to waste your money on...
How to improve at playing carnival games. Still a bitch to win, mind you, but at least now you know what's making it so difficult.
July 07, 2003
Not-so-very-delayed cartoonage
"cartoons drawn on the back of business cards"
Delayed cartoonage
From last week, but I slacked.
"cartoons drawn on the back of business cards"
Do you really need to spoil your dog this much?
Designer doggie water. "The bottled water comes in Puddle Water, Hose Water, Gutter Water and Toilet Water -- that's doggie talk for liver, lamb, beef and chicken flavor."
I don't know where he got the idea that liver tastes like puddles, lambs taste like hose, etc., but this is too damn strange.
"I feel cheated, man."
"I joined the military to see the world and get job training...but really, man, butler training?"
Now you know why he keeps on the pants.
Girl gets Hulk doll with 2-inch penis. Considering the doll is 12 inches, well... that's one big stuffed dong.
My fellow poster would like to let you know that his penis is 1/6 of his total height and if the doll were a six foot man, he'd have a foot-long in those pants. Yay math?!
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!
Silence of the Lambs, The Musical. This has freaked. me. out. Especially all the Buffalo Bill and the cunt song.
Naturally, I just e-mailed Pamie.
Why do things like...
this exist? How does one write in Corey, exactly?
So much for the happiest place on earth.
Death at Disneyland. Like Kristin, I can't help but laugh either.
"For example: dying on The People Mover? Not the most dignified death to be found. Until it was removed a few years ago for being old and boring, the People Mover was one of the slowest damn rides in the park! How could you be killed while riding the freaking People Mover!? It's like saying your uncle drowned while riding "It's A Small World". Insulin shock I might believe, but drowning is right out! Nonetheless there have been not one but two separate deaths on the People Mover, one in 1967 and another in 1980. Both times the "victim" (and I use the term loosely) had completely disregarded the safety spiel, crawled out of his People Mover vehicle and was wandering around on the track - until he was crushed by an oncoming car. Crushed by an oncoming People Mover, my friends. A horrific way to die, certainly, but also very funny. Think about it - death by People Mover. The People Mover of Doom! Ride the Perilous People Mover at your own risk!"
Even worse is the suicide via Disneyland. Yes, really.
"Even with continuous safety warnings, some people are determined to die at Disneyland. Several years ago, after a fight with his girlfriend, a kid tried to fling himself out of a Skyway tram (also known as "the buckets") but was restrained by his buddies. Instead of exiting the ride and bringing the boy to a clinic of some kind to work through his desire to catapult himself out of an overhead transportation system and plunge to his death, his friends took him on the Matterhorn. Predictably, halfway through the ride the boy stood straight up and bashed into the mountain. If you've ever been on the Matterhorn, you're probably cringing right now and thinking, "Man - that's gotta hurt!" And you're right. He died 4 days later.
Now it's sad that this boy was so distraught about his girlfriend that he wished to die, but his way out of emotional pain seems pretty rash. All the suicide prevention warning-sign pamphlets will tell you that if a suicidal person has a method, it's a serious situation. So this kid's upset and he can't take anymore and he decides that if he fights just one more time with Debbie the only way out of his torture is to end it all. But how? He has no rope to hang himself, can't stand the sight of blood so wrist-slitting is out, and his parents don't own a gun. But wait! He's going to Disneyland the next day and there are a million ways to die at the happiest place on earth.
His method... is Disneyland, people. If someone I knew seemed suicidal and I asked if they had a method and they said, "Yes. Disneyland" I just wouldn't be able to take them seriously. Cliffs, car exhaust, drowning, sure, but not the House of Mouse. The tragedy of the story isn't so much that this kid committed suicide at Disneyland but that someone may have been able to help him but was laughing too hard at his proposed method to intervene."
Interesting networking idea
The Global Network of Dreams. This site lets you find works of literature, music, and movies that are similar to the ones you like already.
An expression for every situation?
"You were like a FATHER to me during adolescence, and even though we've grown apart in my later 43 years, I still think of you whenever I see a guy who looks kind of like you, so HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!"
"That time you loaned me money right before you went back to prison is never forgotten. Thank you for being you, Dad."
"I know being a stepfather is really hard, but since you get to fuck my mom whenever you want, maybe you could back off a little and quit trying to be my DAD. Happy Father's Day!"
"Dear Wife of Father, I know I can't actually have contact with my father since he married you, but please tell him that my sisters and brothers and I all miss him this Father's Day. Please. p.s. Your new boobs look really classy."
July 04, 2003
We'd rather they just explode, thanks.
Chinese school bans students from farting. How on earth are they going to ban this?
This reminds me of a teacher I had for an extracurricular class that also taught a regular grade school class. He told us that in his regular class, he made all the students go into the "farting corner" to do that sort of thing. Yes, really.
July 03, 2003
This will surprise no one
My Inner Age
brought to you by Quizilla
Tree-hugging past life hippie crap!
"I don't know how you feel about it, but you were female in your last earthly incarnation.
You were born somewhere in the territory of modern Mexico around the year 1275.
Your profession was that of a builder of houses, temples and cathedrals." (Since when were women allowed to build temples in Mexico in 1275?!)
"You had the mind of a scientist, always seeking new explanations. Your environment often misunderstood you, but respected your knowledge.
The lesson that your last past life brought to your present incarnation:
Magic is everywhere around you, even in the most usual, most ordinary situations. Your lesson is to understand this magic and to help other people to see it, too. You are a magician!"
The comments people make can be priceless sometimes.
"*I* wanted to put ping-pong ball eyes in the middle of it and call it the church mascot."
July 02, 2003
I hate to say it, but, uh...
this two-women cake topper doesn't uh, look much like two women. Seriously, I've been squinting at the butch one going, "Uh, is it supposed to have boobs or something? How is this different from the stiff little man caketopper?"
I suck?
What you're like, based on your birthday.
I am apparently: Unrelenting, strange and full of contrasts, often egoistic, aggressive, noble, broad horizon, unexpected reactions, spontaneous, unlimited ambition, no flexibility, difficult and uncommon partner, not always liked but often admired, ingenious strategist very jealous and passionate, no compromises.
I dunno about this.
Gothic ones, take note.
Would you really want to use this furniture?
Yet another icky form of advertising
combined with employment. Rent-A-Forehead.
This girl is gonna be EVERYWHERE shortly.
Onion fun
Minister Constantly Mentioning Teenage Son's Virginity. Reminds me of my old favorite line as a teenager about that, from All Of Me: "My virginity is something I have always treasured!" "That's because nobody else ever WANTED IT!"
It's Not Nice To Be Smarter Than Other People. Sounds like my real life.
"I can't think of anything ruder than people who have to be all brainy and intelligent. As my mother used to say, if you can't say anything mundane, don't say anything at all. She was right: It's not nice to be smarter than other people.
Why did you have to say all that stuff about that book you're reading? Would it have been so hard to keep your love of literature to yourself? When you display your intelligence to the people you're talking to, you're really just telling them that you don't have enough respect for them to keep your smarts to yourself."
DUDE!!!
(Warning: not a permalink) The origins of "Dude."
Who needs to be saved FROM a "superhero?"
More Wacky Japanese news:
"A self-professed "crusader of justice" gallivanting around an unnamed town in sleepy Miyazaki Prefecture in a pink mask and red cape is creating a stir with his less-than-noble "rescues," according to Gatsun! (August).
It seems the caped crimefighter has taken it upon himself to save women standing alone while surrounded by groups of guys trying to chat them up, the magazine quotes a local daily as reporting.
His usual method is to spring out of a hiding place, barge into the group of men and swoop away the young woman they have been hassling, taking her to a safe, though secluded area.
But, just as it seems that the mysterious superhero has lived up to his name, he turns anti-hero and begins fondling and molesting the woman he has just "liberated" from being sexually harassed in a verbal manner."
Class-AY.
July 01, 2003
I am afraid to check the original link for this one where I am.
(Hell, I'd be afraid to check it at home alone.) Some dude dresses up his nuts and makes them act out movie scenes.
This dude made a computer...
I'm not even entirely sure what all of this is.
Message in a bottle...
Or not. I wish there was a picture of this.
Good lord.
A shaver to shave patterns in your pubes. They even have names for the uh, "do's."
Good lord.
A shaver to shave patterns in your pubes. They even have names for the uh, "do's."
A not-so-wacky Japanese story
The original link didn't work, but ms. magazine's blog noticed that a principal at a Japanese school is going back to the old tradition of listing boys before girls in class rosters- none of this "let's pretend the sexes are equal" crap!
An interview with Mark Morford
who writes the SF Morning Fix and an award-winning online column. And who provides some occasional funny links for thishere weblog on occasion. (Too bad Fix itself isn't archived online, but his columns are. Looks like Fixes aren't archived so that the crazies can't find them, sigh) You should read this and sign up for it yourself. Hell, if you like this weblog...
"I absolutely love Jon Carroll and have nothing but the utmost respect for his enormous talent and consistency and Jesus with a gallon of White-Out, 20+ years 5 days a week and he's still the most wonderfully readable columnist going. But he is "off the wall" in a "I think my cat is a Republican" sort of way. I'm off the wall in a "You should really try this gorgeous bejeweled butt plug" sort of way."
I pee on my cat and she likes it!
This is not as sick as it sounds...but yeah, that's one weird cat!
June 30, 2003
Now that is a great invention.
Shall I go for the high heeled option, or go flat today? Now I can pick with the same shoe! I just hope your stiletto doesn't collapse on you while you're walking.
Put in your order today and attempt to catch that road runner!
Submitted by matt again, who must be damned bored, The Illustrated Catalog of ACME Products.
It's just a little bitty pissant teddy-bear-sex-type page
Elizabeth Taylor's Inanimate Objects Humping Each Other Page.
Another one for the "too weird to not be real" department.
"Back in 1917, French surrealist and provocateur Marcel Duchamp stunned the art world by presenting an ordinary urinal as a work of art.
A few days ago, artists here underwhelmed New York by presenting a collection of painted portable potties as public art.
The week-long exhibit, which consists of 10 fully functional portable potties, is sponsored by Imodium, the over-the-counter anti-diarrhea medication. It is titled "Urban Relief."
In Washington Square, passerby Richard King, 71, who works in the investment business, paused to look at Anthony Freda's "Imodium Man," which depicts a phone booth and a superhero. ("You go in and you are transformed into a superhero," Freda explained at the potties' unveiling. "Imodium Man is bursting out the front door with an expression of relief.")
King scowls. "I have no use for that kind of art," he says. "I like neorealism. I like Norman Rockwell. I like Picasso in his early periods, the blue period and the pink period, which were pretty realistic."
The superhero is green, and his trunk and cape are magenta. "It's idiotic," says King."
June 27, 2003
Frightening, but could be fun?
Lia has declared June 26 to be David Hasselhoff Day on her blog. Should this interest you, there is much to worship there, including many cheesy pics.
Oh gee, no, lady, you don't have to worry about THAT.
"I was worried that there might be some crank who would think I was sick."
What the heck is...
One of the weirdest inventions I've ever seen in my life.
June 26, 2003
Showoff!
Senior takes a helicopter to the prom. Though he almost ran into a problem when his date canceled at the last minute. Luckily, another girl stepped in for ahem, the ride of her life.
"My parents thought it was a little much both times. They just fear the day I get married, to see what kind of stunt I pull then."
J.Ho needs to get her mind out of the toilet.
"The headline hogging actress and singer is both infatuated with and flummoxed by matters of the bathroom.” Here's a list of all of J.Ho's various bathroom shenanigans, including the jewel-studded seat, getting her own bathroom at a ballgame, etc., etc. The part that cracks me up is that her first husband was forbidden to share her toilet because of germs. Uh, weren't y'all getting groiny at some point? Or was she too hygenic for that too?
Having a not-so-lovely time, wish I wasn't here...
Tacky Postcards. Who wants a postcard of a jail?
A battle of wits.
Nancy Pants. Has one of the best opening lines you may ever see.
I know the job market is desperate...
but is it bad enough that cow-crap catcher is a hot ticket?
How to make fast food in the comforts of your own home.
(Does that defeat the purpose of fast food?) Anyway, despite my being a pretty shitty cook, I usually find those secret recipes for professionally done food sites to be pretty interesting. Now you can find out how to make McDonald's burgers and White Castle ones on your own.
You know, I'm not even a McDonald's fan in particular, and yet I really shouldn't be looking at stuff like this before lunch.
The things people come up with sometimes.
This dude put Princess Diana into a comic, as a resurrected mutant zombie.
"If any of them actually reads all five episodes of Di Another Day, they will see that Diana comes out of it a lot better than the British establishment.
Indeed, a couple of old palace eminence grise types arrange for this resurrected mutant zombie to be killed. "And this time, let's do it properly," one of them says.
In fact, I'd really like to do a story where David Beckham joins X-Statix. He's the perfect example of some whose powers - the ability to boot a ball around - have been dwarfed by his celebrity status.
I'd like to have him run around in a spandex superhero costume, become a homoerotic pin-up, get his nose busted in a fight with the Hulk and, as a result, have millions wiped off his "share price".
Aiee!!!!
While the song here is just plain boring, to be honest, check out the picture below. Good lord, a heart with a hard-on.
For my fellow poster, who rarely posts...
I Like Cheese. Rather scary and frightening after awhile... VERY hyper children made this.
Skeezerriffic!
Advice on how to pick up women while they're shopping. Features the old "oh, could you try this on, I'm trying to pick up a gift for my sister, even though I don't actually have a sister" trick. One can't help but wonder what this guy's intentions are, because if this is a one night stand, that's one thing, but if you're actually gonna get serious about the girl, it will come out that uh, you have no sister.
I'm feeling weird after seeing these.
Frightening T-shirts. Though "I buy a lot to fill the void within" is rather suspiciously me of late. And "The whole family is worried" is always appropriate.
June 25, 2003
Give a hoot...
Flying on Hooters Air. It's frightening that things like that exist.
I honestly don't know what to say about...
this experience. You're gonna have to read it and shake your head and go "Huh?" a lot. I haven't heard of anything like this since going to Burning Man.
Okay, THIS is one of the weirdest things I have ever heard of.
Male long-distance runners can get bloody nipples. This is apparently just plain old nipple chafing. The article claims that women don't get it because they wear bras and don't have T-shirts rubbing against nipples, but what about bra cloth rubbing up against nipples while running? You'd think, wouldn't you?
"Gee, why is everyone dancing in leisure suits?"
Sesame Street Fever: The Disco Album. The funniest of the bunch is the unfortunately named (and really, didn't someone THINK about this one?) "Doin' The Pigeon," where Bert won't dance unless his favorite pigeon (wearing a white jumpsuit!) will. The "Disco Cookie" version of "C is for Cookie" is kinda disturbing to me somehow, and I don't know why. "Cookie, dancin, dancin, cookie, disco cookie..." And "chow mein cookies, asparagus cookies"? Ewwww!
And then there's Sesame Disco, the sequel. Not so much with the weird funny, though I actually quite like "Disco Frog". "Doin' the Trash" (another unfortunate title) isn't bad, rather funky. And then there's "Me Lost Me Cookie at the Disco."
I should look for my "Mickey Raps" CD next time I'm at my parents' house, eh?
*snort* *snicker* *choke* *hee!!!*
Man who's been divorced four times prefers blow-up doll. They not only sleep together, they eat together, she never complains, and he wants to be buried with her.
Need I say more?
Oh yeah. You know you wanna do some...
Tacky Living. The crafts section is the best, and I about died laughing at the make your own miniature abandoned car garden!
June 24, 2003
You have to see this to believe it.
(Windows Media) "Sandy" from Grease does "You're The One That I Want" with her dog. That is THE most well-trained pet I've seen, EVER.
Pooh. I don't like diamonds, dammit.
You're a Diamond. You seem like a cold and an
unreachable person outside, yet you are
beautiful inside and outside. You may be
stubborn at times. You act with grace and
elegance and you are a precious asset to all
your friends.
What Jewel Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
June 23, 2003
Cartoonage
"cartoons drawn on the back of business cards"
Dog noses.
Lots of Japanese dog noses. Posted for the benefit of my fellow poster, who drools over puppies and the like.
I can't really explain this.
It seems to be some sort of strange advertising thing. And yet, quite bizarre.
America's Craziest Imports
As Dave Barry pointed out, why do we need cow crap and pee exported to the US?
Couldn't most of us come up with something like this for our town?
The Virtual Suck Tour of Arlington, Mass. Actually, I think I'd manage to come up with less for my olde hometown than this dude did. Also features the town's bizarre bylaws that don't allow things like fast food. Oh, please, even Solvang has a Subway.
The police reports are a hoot. What's especially bad is that people will apparently call the police for ANY LITTLE THING. Such as a man standing near a backhoe, two men in turbans were seen walking down a trail, (interestingly enough, there also seems to be a lot of butt groping on this trail) a girl sitting on the sidewalk, an unknown man on the front porch that turned out to be her son, a UPS guy tried to make a delivery, and then there's this one. "Step 1. Call Police. Step 2. Wait for law upholder to arrive at your door. Step 3. Call police again because you are suspicious of the one at your door. Step 4. Become infamous on a web site for your own blistering stupidity." There's also the restaurant that called the police to complain about a tip that wasn't big enough for their standards.
And there's also a wee bit of juvenile behavior. "Don't be a crybaby. When someone tries to cast a voodoo spell on you, you just cast one back."
"He was angry about not getting cake, so he threw a tantrum and hit a jug of milk. Isn't that what toodlers do?"
Aw man, I didn't come out as Lloyd.
You are Holiday "Holly" Golightly from
"Breakfast at Tiffany's". You are
flighty and do not wish to belong to any one
person or place. You are running away from
something, so you may not notice when true love
is right in front of you.
Which confused young romantic from a film are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Those Wacky Japanese, #69:
Japanese jailbird girls have a hard time being at their sexual peak while in prison. You can't make this shit up.
Your Clueless name!
My Clueless name would be Amber Redford.
Just to be supremely evil because he hates Clueless, I put my fellow poster's name in, and he would be Gavin Balthazar Downey. Heh.
Virtual Drug Dealer
I am so playing this when I get home.
June 22, 2003
This is a "mental illness?"
Isn't this just uh, how life goes?
The naughty guppy.
They sleep around, they rape, they're creepy and they're kooky... now I know why when my roommate and I bought guppies, the pet store only sold male ones.
June 20, 2003
Oh yeah, she's cool.
For those who miss GoingBridal (sniff), Bridezilla has excellent wedding frustration snarkitude, not to mention funny links in the archives.
We Hate Weddings looks like it could be amusing....
The horror! The horror!
Laci Peterson tribute songs. Oh my word, these are bad. I understand the wanting to do a tribute, but man, OUCH. Ouch ouch ouch. It's like, every single bad cliche in existence has gone into these.
This guy has songs to download from Amazon.
Remembering Laci, by John Strand: Sounds like he's kinda hoarse. Features lines like "her smile would make you smile", "angels hold her gently and little Connor's with her too", "start to heaven's door" , "the tears that fell made flowers bloom on earth and heaven too, and little Connor runs and picks them- mamma, these for you!" , and "look! the Laci Connor star!"
We Remember Laci, by Tony Handy: Not a great singer either. Features lines like "she showed us how to love every child" , "she knew when she was carrying and she knew someday she'd be gone, gone, straight to heaven, where princess angels live on!" , "like a star high in the sky-i-i, her light will forever shine through" , "and we knew where she was headed, and we knew someday she'd be gone, gone gone!" The gone's are especially horrendous (she knew she'd be killed by her husband, we all knew she'd be killed by her husband? what are you implying here?), especially given the enthusiasm with which they are sung *shudder*
These two guys apparently like to write tribute songs.
Laci's Song, written by Jim & Amy Maris, sung by Casey Paterson: For some reason the entire thing wasn't put on here. Incidentally, Jim Maris actually met Laci- delivering her Old Navy packages.
I want to hear the latter song this guy wrote, though. "Jerry Allard of Modesto, for example, wrote two blues songs, one in memory of Laci Peterson and her unborn son, Conner, that includes the lyrics "Everyday we'll sing the blues for you." The other rails on Scott Peterson, but Allard said, "I don't want to blast him (publicly). He's not been convicted."
Great short story work.
Perhaps the best 55-word fiction I've seen in awhile.
Okay...
Pagan band requires a "fornicatorium" to perform. While this doesn't exactly surprise me, per se, I am surprised that they have an actual word for that.
Those wacky Japanese like to do it outside...
they can't afford to have sex indoors much. However, they've got plenty of footage to make some money and to add to the latest Lovers Caught On Tape, eh?
June 19, 2003
Huh.
You are the playful pin-up! Do you know how to be
serious?
What Type Of Retro Gal Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
What to do with your bag of Pamie's hair
I think I'm glad all my hair got thrown out when it was cut off. Pamie, on the other hand, auctioned hers on eBay. Because she's a girl, and girls are weird.
"If you make a Pam puppet and sew the hair into the top, be sure you make a sock puppet companion (using a very long tube sock) to illustrate me, and a finger puppet to look like AB. And then put all the puppets into a drawer and never mention them again."
By god, it's a sports-free-ish period of time!
"Hockey and basketball are done; the Triple Crown, Indy 500 and the Open are past. Now comes the deadest, dullest six weeks in the annual sports calendar -- nothing but baseball until August, when the NFL resumes. The next six weeks are sufficiently barren for sports fans that many will actually be excited when NFL preseason games start -- even knowing that NFL preseason games are awful." In other words, go find something else to do! Heh.
Once upon a time, it was a thing we made fun of on Designing Women.
Now it's a hot women's trend. Talk about tacky-ASS.
Okay, if you're trying to avoid VPL on your butt cheeks, is it really any better to be flashing VT across the top of them either?
I wanna go to this school SO BAD.
Too bad I suck at math, or I could have done this.
Celebrate Beaver Day!
Otherwise known as, "We Give Up, You Win" Day.
"From schoolchildren to elected leaders, the sharpest minds in this town of 2,800 have failed to find a way to stop the flooding and the clogged pipes caused by the beavers' single-minded upkeep of their dams and ponds.
So, gracious in defeat, the town celebrates the creatures' perseverance. It plans to hold its first-ever Beaver Day on Saturday.
The resolution designates the beaver the town's official animal and gives the mayor the authority to proclaim an annual Knowlton Township Beaver Day, "at which time the deputy mayor shall dress in the likeness of a beaver during all official functions."
The inaugural Beaver Day falls the same day as the deputy mayor's wedding. Van Horn, who will perform the ceremony, waived the costume requirement this year." (Damn. I wanna see someone get married in a beaver suit.)
"Beaver Day was timed for the longest day of the year to give the oversized rodents as much time as possible to enjoy themselves.
"But now we found out they're nocturnal," the mayor says with a sigh. He may schedule future Beaver Days accordingly." (Ah, the irony. Though you'd think they might have figured this out after all these years, eh?)
Those wacky Japanese!
They just love the Matrix so much, they wanna live in it!
Okay, this is just hitting WAY too close to home.
I'm feeling scared now, even if it's just the Onion. Been there a bit too many times.
"Pardon me for staring. I'd hate for you to think I was one of those guys who thinks it's okay to approach women he doesn't even know with unsolicited romantic advances.
My God, you're stunning.
Don't take that the wrong way. I realize full well how inappropriate it might be for me to gaze longingly at you, a complete stranger, and then express awe at your incredible looks. I can certainly understand how any woman might find that off-putting, but let me assure you that when I say you are beautiful, I mean that in a completely non-threatening way.
Please! Don't run away. And when I say "Don't run away," know that I mean it in the least "I'm gonna get you" way possible."
Ah, the joys of family...
Onion-style.
"No one in my family really gets my worldview, so I find it easier just to smile and nod and agree with everything," Wilmot said Monday. "When I'm with them, I tend to be a lot quieter than when I'm hanging out with friends."
Wilmot, who grew up in Kalamazoo and now lives in Chicago, described the visit as "seven hours of self-censorship."
"Once you let go of the need to express your thoughts to your family, you suddenly feel much lighter," Wilmot said. "You just float along blissfully, finally liberated from the burden of having any presence at all. It's sort of like getting to return to the womb. Which is way more enjoyable than trying to explain to a tableful of Celine Dion fans why you can't stand her."
And they wonder why I have no thoughts or opinions..."Whatever restaurant you want, Dad, I have no thoughts whatsoever."
Whistle's got WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Submitted by lunachick, this is just one of the many bizarre-ass things people do when they're bored, huh? Take one KRON newscast about whistling cars in Oakland, dig up a fan of the whistling named "Bubb Rubb" er, whoo whooing their praises, and uh...have some fun with remixes, mp3's and photos.
Bubb Rubb to Endorse K-Y Jelly.